For my non-Nigerian readers, the first four paragraphs of this post are crammed with Pidgin English because of my decision to illustrate this story clearly. But don’t worry, you’ll understand anyway. If you still have difficulty with the language, please let me know and I will try to translate for you.
After a busy day, I was famished and walked into a restaurant to eat dinner; no thanks to my singleness. I was working on a project the day before, and forgot to eat dinner until it was too late -my stomach is not use to going two nights without a meal. On this very day, no one needed to remind me to stop by the restaurant on my way home from the forum at which I gave a talk. Unfortunately the restaurant I chose was full, and after squeezing myself into a seat, I had to wait a little longer for my order to be taken. My mind was busy reflecting on my day; what I had said and what I forgot to say in my talk, when suddenly an argument brought me back to consciousness.
“Give me my change na!” a guy who looked respectable, dressed in a designer white shirt yelled at a waitress. “I dey come.” She replied calmly as she asked her colleague to bring the change and then stopped by my table to take my order. The dude got impatient and shouted, “Hey! No waste my time. Wetin dey do this mumu girl sef?” This time, the waitress replied in a manner the guy wasn’t expecting that from her, “Oga I don send for the change abeg. Take am easy!” and immediately mumbled, “This oga too do sef,” as she turned to me and took my order.
Deep within me, I knew a scene was about to be created because the dude, though looking respectable, will not accept a response from a waitress in that manner. Forgive me for my unfairness in judgment. My opinion is based on his tone when he speaks to the waitress; the tone is chauvinistic - you know the type of man who thinks that women, especially waitresses should not talk to men that way. Another reason for my point of view is that his beautiful girlfriend sat beside him and from what I know about men; they tend to create a scene if they feel disrespected in the presence of their women. I feared for the waitress. .
It wasn’t a surprise when he stood up and said, “Na me you dey talk to like that abi? I no blame you, stupid girl! See her like monkey!” The waitress ignored him and continued her work. I believe her silence provoked him the more and he continued to denigrate her in many words. “See me see trouble o! All these Calabar girls no get respect sef. See this ugly thing o! You dey craze you hear!” The guy continued angrily.
I still couldn’t understand why the waitress held her tongue from replying even though it was obvious that she was fighting with tears. Obviously some uneducated Calabar girls are more matured in controlling angry outbursts than some fine civilized dudes. I know a lot of women who would have preferred losing their jobs to give the dude a piece of their hearts rather than put up with his disrespect.
I pitied her and uttered words of comfort to her and held her hands, but I am not the regular kind of person who is obsessed with correcting people publicly while defending another. Even if I mustered energy to say something I was too hungry and tired for a fight. I faced my business squarely, and that was to eat. If anyone should have to control the excesses of the dude that night, it was his girlfriend, but she wasn’t saying anything, why should I? I don’t understand how some girls sleep well at night after watching their men abuse innocent and helpless women publicly and do nothing to calm even calm the man. “Na dem sabi jare.” I soliloquized.
Meanwhile everyone in the restaurant, including me, pretended to be eating until the dude got his change, made for the door, and gave his deathblow. “Hey monkey, next time make you mind the way you dey talk to people like me you...” Before adding another adjective, the guy sitting next to my table was vexed and spoke up. “My guy shame no dey catch you? Leave this girl alone na.” As if everyone in the restaurant was waiting for a cue, they pounced on the rude man in a manner of a rapist caught by a victim’s relatives. I ate my food quietly. Hey! Don’t consider me cruel. Cruel is what I call the “defender of the universe” who at this point were pouncing on the dude with equally unfair remarks. As usual, I also used the opportunity to study human behavior and response when hauled over the coal. I wanted to know if people will change when they are openly challenged by a mob and I got my answer that night.
Did the jungle justice change this man? Negative. Before he left that place, he had upset more people and busted more bubbles. I had to snatch him away before they lynched him because he had made more people angry in the restaurant and the scene was degenerating into fisticuffs. Like every one of us when reprimanded, we tend to listen to the only person who seems to understand us, and I was that person for him that night. I wasn’t supportive of his act and indeed I condemned it. But I believe if a person should be rebuked, we should choose the style of Jesus when he said, “he who is without sin be the first to cast the stone” even though Jesus knew the woman to whom he spoke was in error.
I believe the dude that night should be rebuked, but with an angry man jungle justice rarely works. He may be forced to shut up, but will end up leaving with resentment and ready to do worse in the future. At the time of writing this article, he had called me twice and we’re getting along … and yes, he’s admitted to me his regrets when I tried to explain the danger of his act. Nice guy I must say – just had a bad side, which can be managed with kindness, not with a loud jungle rod of correction. I know the guy has a bad side and it is unfortunate, but who doesn’t? I am not a judge, but I know that by being nice to him he would definitely change.
Here is my point: Reprimanding a person in public, especially in the presence of their partner, would cause a violent response in the bid to protect their image. Does it stop there? No. He will offend more people and then the essence of correcting the person will not be achieved. Most people will not change or apologize when attacked like this. Would you? I don’t know much, but I know that no one likes to be rebuked like a baby – I don’t. On most occasions, we’re so wrapped up by our desires to correct and protect others that we equally become cruel to the angry person - like using violence to extinguish violence. It doesn’t work that way and that’s why most times we miss the opportunity to be the face of change; people become pigheaded when they can be changing.
Finally, although there are times when it is necessary to stop someone physically from hurting another person, more often than not it is helpful that we show love and understanding to those lost in anger, allowing them to discover their tenderness, everyone of us possesses that good quality. When someone loses his temper or does something objectionable, it's up to us to extend love to them, not a “holier than thou” attitude. Only then can we make adequate change to someone who is lost in anger or offensive behavior.
Purest Love,
Collins Agboju
PS: This note is an atual experience written about two years ago.
