NEVER TAKE YOUR EX. TO YOUR NEXT
“Our defenses reflect our wounds but no person can heal those wounds. They can give us love, innocently and sincerely, but if we’re already convinced that people cannot be trusted – if that’s the decision we’ve made – then our minds will construe whatever someone’s behaviour is, as evidence that our previously drawn conclusion was correct.”
When hearts are broken in love or marriage, perspective and beliefs touching important issues about the opposite sex are affected. Also, fear about the future, more than ever is activated and increased. On this kind of heart, even the most sincere love will fail and I think that’s why they always do. Nothing hinders the growth of love in our lives than the fear that people cannot be trusted and using our experiences to measure other people. Everyone is different and our experiences with one or two of a gender prototype should not be a measuring stick to assess the people we have in our lives presently. Humans should be measured by the content of their character not by their sex. I am male and I am proud to be one but I ain’t like every man because of certain decisions I made earlier in life. It will be unfair to compare me with other men who have abused the trust you bestowed on them. I also believe that there are countless others in both male and female clothing around us who, by discipline have become different but we have failed to notice them because we compare them with our ex. My Bible, which is also my guide, says “…and they comparing themselves with themselves are not wise.” Need I say more?
I have been battling for close to two years myself to maintain a sound mind after a love that left when things got bad. Believe me I am fighting day and night to maintain a sound perspective on issues touching male and female love. The truth is that I want to win this battle than any other thing. First, because I want to be happy and not keep hurting long after the one who hurt me is gone and enjoying his/her life without me. I don’t want to halt my life because of someone’s decision to damage me. I want to go on and be happy with me and not give this right to people to determine why and when I should be happy. Honestly, people do not deserve that lofty place in our lives. It is all ours to decide to either keep hurting and blaming people long after we have been hurt or move on.
Secondly, I want to enjoy the value of the opposite sex at every level - as a mother, a friend, a wife, the mother of my children and as a confidante. I am sure that every woman desires this kind of personal interaction with a man too because that’s the way God created us – to complement each other. Unfortunately our experiences usually reduce the opposite sex to be of one value – sex partner. For others, the only opposite sex in their lives are parents, family or friends. We need them more than this to make for a better us and invariably, a beautiful world.
Over the years, I have in the cause of helping people with emotional crisis and being friendly with people, heard words like
• men cannot be trusted or women are sluts
• men are jerks or woman are devils
• men are proud and egoistic or women manipulate and are too demanding
• all men are the same or all women are have a price
• men think with their libidos or women have chicken brain etc
I accept that there are men and women on our streets and even in our beds right now who are everything like this. I will be insane not to think thus. But I am more convinced that these pictures dwell more in our minds more than they do in the real world. It is these pictures in our minds that translate into reality or even attract such people to us. Hence, men are this and women are that because we THINK they are. The hard truth is that things gravitate towards us according to our dominant thought.” The quote I started this piece with is worthy of repetition here, “Our defenses reflect our wounds but no person can heal those wounds. They can give us love, innocently and sincerely, but if we’re already convinced that people cannot be trusted – if that’s the decision we’ve made – then our minds will construe whatever someone’s behaviour is, as evidence that our previously drawn conclusion was correct.” Please read this again until it sinks.
Forgive me if I sound inexperienced or not to perceive the depth of your case. Believe me I do and I am in pains myself - maybe at a different level but we cannot deny the fact that we both hurt. Managing the hurt and getting on with our lives is the reason why I write this piece. We have to take control of our lives and not leave it at the mercies of those who hurt us. And one of the ways to begin healing if we suffer this problem is to:
1. Change Your Dictionary: Do not use your few experiences to measure the totality of a gender because there are good people of the same sex with the one who hurt you. Personally, I have female friends who are more of a blessing to me than males. It would be unfair to view them at a general term. We have to learn to respect people as people and not as male or female and also, kick unnecessary fears out of your soul. They grow up and choke even the noblest intentions. I have decided that every woman I meet is unique and do not deserve to be compared with anyone no matter the similarity in sex. I think you should do the same too. We are all different; yes we are. (I will venture into other aspect as we proceed)
I wrote this note initially for my facebook Fan Club- Dearagbocol Fan Club. I decided to post it here for people who ain't in that group or on FB. I hope you like it.
Finally I need your prayer now more than ever. see you soon. I'm out.
After
Titilayo Adebiyi, Jackie Pondo and Iyke Okafor - you have brought so much hope and joy into my world. I love you guys with all my soul.
