10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART X: GOOD

I asked women on one of my Social Network pages what they would call men when they are angry. Check the list and let me know if you have heard them or even used those words before.

~ Jerk

~ Retard

~ SOB

~ Cross to Carry

~ Piece of sh$t

~ An abortion gone bad

~ A$$hole

~ Chauvinistic bastards

~ Dog

~ Cheater

~ worthless

~ D$ckhead

~ The stone in my shoe

~ Thorn in my side

~ JACKA$S

~ Douchebag

~ Loser

~ Dictator

~ Sh$t-head

~ Butt-head

~ Coward

I understand some men could make you so angry that they seem to fit one or all the adjectives above.  As a matter of fact, fewer women are calling their men endearing names these days. And no, I am not writing this article to increase the number or support your claims. Yes, I will not be defending men either even though I am one?

THERE IS GOOD IN HIM!!!

You are probably rolling your eyes and wondering if I have gone out of my mind. Please don't argue, just read on. I don't blame you considering how he's “abused” you in many way and for many days. Yeah you have lost hope of experiencing any iota of affection from him. Maybe you have decided to file for divorce or end the “damn” thing between you. I will not use the cliché “hold on” because many people must have used those words in comforting you and now it sounds suicidal. I will simply suggest another less traveled path.

Take a minute and picture when you first met. Remember the endearing names you called him? He was the sweetest man alive and you will stay up late nights talking with him. When your phone rings, you often wished it's him calling. He was cool, nice and treats you like a queen. You even thanked God for blessing you with such a gentleman and you never overlook the opportunity show him off to your friends. In those days, you could write a hundred poems about your man in few minutes. HE WAS NO DOUBT THE BEST AT THE TIME. The question is what has gone wrong? 

TRACING BACK TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

...Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And repent, and do the first works…

Revelation 2:1-5

Frankly, someone has changed, which has in turn has affected the beautiful relationship you had going. That someone may be YOU. Yes you. I am not referring to any specific gender but YOU reading this article. It's okay to point fingers qt your partner as the reason why everything’s gone bad but it is noble to start by taking responsibility of your share of blame. Is that hard? Taking responsibility doesn't mean it's entirely your fault or that you are wrong. It just means you are bold enough to accept that you are a party in the events that contributed to the consistent breakdown of your relationship. It's about time to stop fighting, hold yourself accountable and start asking honest, selfless questions that will lead to the return of peace in your relationship. Questions like:

~ When did my partner start acting weird and why?

~ What was I doing when the going was good and if I had done more, would things have been different?

~ What does my partner REALLY need from me and are they getting it?

~ What are we always fighting about and why?

~ How selfish have I been to my partner? (It’s easier to pat yourself on the back for been the perfect partner but I bet YOU ARE NOT!)

~ What is my partner always complaining about and how can I swallow my pride to provide it?

~ What do I have to GIVE up to KEEP this relationship and am I willing to?

~ What are my expectations and are they too soon, impractical and selfish?

~ Am I meeting my partner's expectations or am I arguing about my right to hold them back?

The truth is that the most catastrophic inferno in history began with a tiny fire. And for you, finding the cause of the disaster in your relationship is the first step towards restoration. Asking honest questions like those above and objectively answering them push your whole being into an action mode. It opens your eyes to the plight of your partner and how badly you have treated them. For a moment your selfishness and pride will become obvious to you and all the cry about been maltreated will roll away.

REPENT BABY:

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And REPENT, and do the first works… Revelation 2:1-5

It’s hard to point the accusing fingers at yourself especially if you are used to pointing fingers at others for your misfortune and for some, it's entirely an impossible step. But I am advising that you find that part of you and nail yourself real hard for being part of the problem. If you can find yourself successful at sharing the blame with your partner for a bad job in the relationship, you are closer to salvation. If you can find your share of failures in the relationship, it means you have been wrong in a way and your partner was right in a way. Don't hesitate to go your partner and apologize. Don't argue that your partner had been bad or assume they will take you for granted. JUST APOLOGIZE!!! It will need a lot of humility and it may not be acknowledged immediately but one thing is sure, you are not a fool for seeing your own wrong and saying I am sorry. In the long run, you will benefit immensely from such action.

“I am sorry” is the greatest relational healing prescription there is: These words are more effective if you don't attach a sermon to it. Nevertheless, if you are tempted to add something, please use endearing words like “you mean so much to me than been right or wrong.”

GIVE AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO YOU…

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And repent, AND DO THE FIRST WORKS… Revelation 2:1-5

What do you want from your partner? Find a piece of paper and list them in order of preference with what you want most at the top of the sheet. Decide today to give what you desire of your partner and don't hold back anything. If you want to be treated nicely, BE NICE. If you want understanding, UNDERSTAND. If you want to be happy, MAKE YOUR PARTNER HAPPY. Make that decision. Although it might not flow back to you immediately, it will come back to you eventually in good measure, pressed down, shaking together and running over. Great blessings come to those who give and give without expecting any immediate compensation. Those people have piled up so many blessings in the supernatural that when they start pouring down, there is no ending. Few months from now I bet you will look back and ask, how did I manage to get the best spouse in the world?

Finally, it's time to start doing what you did in the good old days. Your love is not dead; it's your feeling that has been hurt. Even if it were dead, dry bones can live again. Pray for your partner; prophesy peace on your relationship and watch God move in miraculous ways.

HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE!!!

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART IX: HIS TEMPERAMENT

Temperament as we have read in many books is why a person acts the way he does. To narrow down the definitions to this series, Temperament is why and how your man acts in certain ways. This is based on certain influences; some genetic, some cultivated by childhood conditioning and others, by habits groomed over a long period of time.

Recently I was watching a movie with my wife when suddenly a character got me laughing uncontrollably. I didn’t know when in my excitement I slapped her arm (not very hard and yet not very gentle). It would have gone unnoticed by me if she had not screeched. Instantly I knew what had happened. You see, I do that with my siblings a lot while growing up. We really enjoy our movie time. When a part is funny, we will pause the movie and laugh. Sometimes a person gets ecstatic and slaps the next person (light). It’s like saying did you just see or hear that? Depending on topics, sometimes we pause for a while and talk about it or argue and then continue. Those were learning periods in our lives as a family to hear others out on certain topics or unleash our anger or admiration for a certain character in a movie. Unfortunately, that's strange to my wife. But it’s been a part of me eon and eon now.

Your man has many characteristics already engraved into his personality. Quite honestly, some of them are not as irritating as we claim. I am not creating awful arguments for infuriating habits to thrive. Just look closely sweetheart, some of the things he does are not really bad; they are just different. Different sometimes is quickly regarded as bad but is it really?

There is a possibility that what your man does or how and why he does it is beyond his control. And I believe many people have tried to change him and have failed. I have no problems with change; in fact I am a strong advocate of adjustment in a relationship to better bond with your partner especially if it’s symbiotic. I usually have problems with how we demand change from men. We often want it too fast, too soon or too badly like your man is completely horrible because of that temperament. We stop seeing his good side and keep pummeling him until we see change (And that's why we often don’t). Change comes with love and trust and not by how often or how hard with make our point.

Today I want you to recognize the temperament or characteristic in your man that has been irritating and try the following advice.

Is he happy?

We are naturally selfish. We want what makes us happy and ignore our partner’s needs. I am not saying that we shouldn’t desire change in our partners and be unhappy ourselves. The truth is that people change when they are happy and feel secure that you don’t judge them regardless their habits. Happiness is important in a relationship. When you make someone happy, you get more yourself.

Adjust, join the groove or change your approach.

Enjoy the moment. Instead of picking a fight every time he irritates you, enjoy it with him if he’s enjoying it himself. If it’s something you can fix without complaining, please do it. You should know by now that complaining and nagging doesn’t work with men – always makes things worse. My wife calls me Mr. CrumbsMaker and that’s because I make crumbs. (Now that’s a secret between us. Don’t tell her I told you and don’t call me that. Lol. Yeah she will read this anyway). Few days ago she walked into my home-office space and said “babe, the crumbs you made in the kitchen attracted ants. Just wanted you to know.” I quickly apologized and when she left, I was troubled and I am more careful now when I eat or snack. That is more effective approach than nagging.

Do you have temperaments?

I don’t think you are lying to yourself that you are all spotless and everything you do is perfect because that would be the deception that brings desolation. Treat your man like you are not perfect yourself and obey the great rule: Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. If you want understanding, give understanding when it’s required from you.

Applaud/reward good temperament.

Compliment good temperament and compliment good habits. Your man should know that regardless the bad; you see more good in him. Don’t magnify bad and be silent on good.

You should know this

Some temperaments/habits will never go away, some will go with time and others can be fixed right away. It is important to know the devil you are fighting. Don’t make unrealistic demand. Be wise with the change you desire.

Finally

It is paramount to state that there are temperaments/habits that should go away with their proprietor instantly before they have a chance to destroy you. Stop trying to fix abuse, drugs, unfaithfulness etc in your man. Some people need treatment and you are not a doctor. Even if you were, you are in a compromised position to offer any form of medication. So let them go.

May God bless your relationship.

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VIII: HIS GOD

Every man worships a god, yes even atheists. While some allow the living God to be the Lord of their lives, others are the slaves of their stomachs, their urge or some other human beings. It’s the 21^st century and many mythological and man-made gods are disappearing and leaving us obsessed with other gods so silent that until we look closely we can’t notice them. Even in Africa, the carved gods are becoming extinct and they are being replaced by these muted, modern, scientific gods. When was the last time you heard of the Greek mythological gods like Eros, Zeus, Apollo, and Artemis or in Africa; Oduduwa, Shango, Sopona and others? If you read as much as I do you will agree with me that they are silently stories we hear in museums. You want to know the replacement? Just look closely at you and around you. Do you notice how men have replaced these gods with food, sex, fashion, work etc. just as there are thousands of mythological gods, there are thousands of self-imposed gods in our lives these days? Needless to say, these self-imposed gods run our lives and influence our decisions. Their havoc is unquantifiable too. To know a man or the destiny of your relationship, study his gods or God.

Sadly the devil is not in direct contact with many men or tempting them to do evil anymore. His plan is to push them to yielding to something or someone to the point of worship. In my opinion, the devil is busy with some serious business of causing global pandemic or architecting the destruction of a large quantity of people as we have witnessed in our world lately like September 11 catastrophe in the United States, floods, earthquakes, crisis, hunger. He has not visited many men on earth lately and whatever they did and held the devil responsible for was the doing of the gods they have created for themselves. Don’t you know that to whom or what you yield the control of your life has become your god?

I intend to make this article brief and hit the nail on the head quickly but I will not find rest if I don’t say this. Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace. He calmed the raging storm, and saved His friends; the disciples from tragic death. You need a man whose god is the Lord, whose standard is the bible and who will be willing to love you like Christ did to the church and lay down His life for her. We know that as humans our strength is limited. But a man who looks up to God for support always finds a way. As it is written, “…the name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous runs into it and they are saved”. You can always count on God to save your relationship when you don’t have enough strength to do it. Men whose gods are their stomach, their sexual urge, their abilities will always fail because vain is the strength of man. But those who put their trust in the living God will soar with the wings of the eagle when troubles come. And though they fall seven times, they will rise again stronger and better for you because they lean on a strength that is bigger than theirs.

The god in your man matters especially in these perilous days of innumerable divorce and abuse. Pray if your man knows not God. And may the spirit of God speak to His soul and spirit to hear the call. Remember, Christ in us the hope of glory. See you soon.

Remain blessed

Collins Agboju

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VII: HIS MOTHER

For some minutes I fought the temptation of opening an article of this nature with this question; what words would you use to describe your man's mother? It just didn't sit well with me and I don't want the question ticking anybody off before they even start reading. I also do not intend this article to be an emotional one but one that will sign us up for deeper thought and realization. Many books have been written against MIL (mother-in-laws) and since I don't have any, I am not a good candidate for that line of thought because I simply do not know how they go about their business.

On my job as a relationship advisor and in my relationships I have heard really heartrending opinions about mothers especially mother-in-laws. Words like witch, difficult, unappreciative, psychotic, verbally abusive, acts like a 5 year old, can do nothing for herself, whiny, backstabbing, she releases horrible outbursts of psychotic anger, overprotective, a**hole, have been used to describe mothers. While some are using horrendous adjectives to describe the one who gave their men life (forgetting that there wouldn't have been your so called adorable man, if she had aborted him at conception), I have also heard countless great accolades showered on mothers, even mother-in-laws. I believe my wife will agree that my mom is every word that follows: loving, bigheart, role-model, thoughtful, hardworking, and honorable. She is also beautiful and supportive. No matter what your mother-in-law or man's mother is, this article is for you. Among other things your man brings into the relationship, his mother (good or bad) is major; yes I mean MAJOR. There is no way to go around it; your man's mother is a major influence on his life, your relationship and your future together.

HERE IS WHY SHE IS MAJOR AND NOT A MINOR INFLUENCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

She was his first woman: Before you stepped in the door, she was. She was the first contact he had with the copy of a woman. Don't ignore that. Just as we all have an opinion of something by our first contact with that object, his opinion of women began with her. FYI - that opinion is for a lifetime. She is usually his best or worst standard for making the choice of a woman. Your man is either running away from his mother's characteristics or running to it. This is important. When he talked with you the first time (I mean in serious relationships), he wanted to date you because of one of these two reasons. 1. You are like his mother (in cases where his mother is sweet). 2. You are not like his mother (when his mother is a monster). In most cases, you are his mini-mother or unlike the monster he calls mother. Among other things, he brings his mother to your relationship either he is running away from her attributes or wanting more of her in you. A smart move is to know this and use it for the benefit of your relationship.

She molded him:  A man is his mother's son. When she rebuked him for cursing or allowed him, she was molding him. When she made him go to church every Sunday or let him play video games she was molding him. At times when she made him do his assignments instead of watching TV, when she tuck him into bed or let him stay up late, she was molding him. Many characteristics he's displayed were taught him by mama when she was nursing and raising him. Psychologists have said that the foundation of a man's characters was laid before he turned 6 years old. Anything else after is a building on that foundation. Over the years he's learned to make his own decisions but what he was configured to do in his early years will possibly be with him for a lifetime except by divine intervention. You will need to know how he was brought up to understand him better.

He is still connected to his mother in deeper ways:  The bible says in Leviticus that the life of a thing is in its blood and your man is the product of blood. Not only did she nurse him, he is a part of her. Do you understand me? He is a part of his mother as well as his father (but we are not talking his father today). He lived in her for 9 months and ate only because she ate and breath only because she did. What made you think he wasn't angry when she was or even sick? What made you think they don't share characteristics? I am not saying a man is exactly his mother; he is different but not absolutely. I think his mother should be a case study for you if you want to know him better. Don't love the man and ignore his mother. As long as it depends on you, love her as Christ loved the church. She is worthy of at least one honor; she gave your man life when she could have taken it.

Here is a word of advice: don't try to disconnect a man from his mother because you don't like her. Even if he is angry with his mother and considers her a monster. It is not in your place to do anything to facilitate that. Here are my reasons: first, she is his mother who gave him life. Secondly, he is his mother's son and you need to know her to both know him and appreciate him. And finally, she did the best she could to raise him; you may not like how she raised him but that's all she had to give (maybe based on how she was raised too). Instead of hating, love her. And for great moms, do all you can to make them happy.

Purest love,

Collins Agboju

10+ SNEAKY GUYS TRICKS A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER FALL FOR.

I was at the library a while ago and two well dressed, (in my initial assessment) smart women sat next to me. I was almost certain they are smart women until they opened their mouths. They were so loud with the description of their dirty linens in a public place meant for intellectual research that I had to move two tables away to be able to concentrate. Yet it seems that the farther I moved, the louder they became forcing me to do nothing else but listen to they dialogue. Yeah I know its bad mannerism to listen to other people’s conversation but it was right in my face and I couldn’t help it. The content of their discussion inspired this article. The sneaky things men do. I hope you like it.

1.  Excessive hugging to check out what you've got: he claims he's just a friend but can’t keep his hands away from you “private” areas. Tell him to go get married. He's sneaky.

2. The line, “sorry do I know you from somewhere?” We all know that It's an outdated line used by our granddads to pick a woman in the 20s. He’s probably done that to many women. Best answer – No I dunno ya, smile and click the ignore button.

3. Catch him checking out another gorgeous girl: he says “oh baby, checking her Louis Vuitton. Wanna get it for you on your birthday.” Do you believe that crap?

4.   He's got this girl he's close with: he claims she's just a friend. She cooks for him, does his laundry and calls him at weird hours. Then you saw her underwear and toothbrush in his bathroom. Your man stutters and says, “oh em em em… em baby it's not what you think. She got a stain while helping out in the kitchen.” It also affected her panties too?  And what is the lie about her toothbrush? What does he take you for?

5.  Doesn't want you to visit or wants a call before you come: He claims he loves you but has an excuse every time you wanna visit. Prefers taking you out and claims it's serene there. Where's more serene than home? You gotta call your man before you visit? Your dude's got skeletons. 

6. He answers lots of calls from women he claims are just friends. The weird thing is that he answers them in private. Wise up gurl. I bet he answers your call in private when he's with them too.

7. Still on call: his phone is on silent, switched off or he ignores calls when he’s with you. Sometimes he registers names with codes. Eg, IT, Ti, BM, G2, PC etc. You buy that crap? Bless sis.

8. You are at a party and he’s not holding you as usual. He doesn't even sit close to you. You got worried and attempt to be close to your fine dude. But he says “Baby, I’ve got slight headache.” Yet drinks and eats and even laughs with friends as usual. You believe him? Nah! He’s either checking out another babe or one of his girlfriends is close feet away.

9. Your name is Jennifer yet he unconsciously calls you by another name like Sandra, Titi, Magdalene, Dorcas. You think its normal or you dismiss it as a mistake. Wait a minute sugar!!! You are either dumb or nonchalant. His mother, sisters or anyone you know him with doesn’t go by that name. Who then is Sandra? Ask him next time he calls you another name. He’s spending time with another woman or you’re the other woman. I fear you are the other woman because out of the abundances of the mind the mouth speaks.

10. You saw a used condom in his jacket and he say gives a whole "kakameme" story about how his friend tuck it into jacket and forgot to retrieve it. What happened to his friends pocket that he cannot keep his things? be wise, he is damn sneaky.

11. Every time you go out and it's time to pay, that's when he strikes a conversation with a person across the table, goes to the bathroom or forgets his wallet. Are you kidding me? okay next time don't pay until he gets back and give him the bill. he's a sneaky freeloader

Gotta go. Feel free to comment on this post and add to this list of sneaky guys tricks if you have an experience with one or suggestion.

NOTE:

Next post I will continue our series of, 10 THINGS A MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VII.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART VI: HIS LIBIDO

A MAN IS HIS LIBIDO. Note that I wrote the previous sentence in capital letters? I mean to say read again and again until you understand the weight of those words. In this time of tsunami of sex (have you not noticed how sex’s been worshiped on TVs, radio, music, paintings, movies etc?); the one thing a woman should not sweep under the carpet is the power of sex on her man. The irony is that as women get into the mainstream of professionalism and independence; this is one issue they ignore the most. Could that be the reason why more men are unfaithful?

By personal analysis and observation, I have discovered that men are unfaithful for 3 strong reasons (add to the list if you want). All points are equally valid

1: MEN are sexually greedy beings: A man is turned on by what he sees. If what he sees is attractive, he likes it almost immediately and the next move is to chase and conquer. Self-control is a very vital quality of being a man. Men who are impoverished of this quality always get into trouble. More importantly so now than ever, men need to exhibit a degree of chastity and strength of will from all the sexiness around us. Contrary to some school of thought, there are men who are sexually disciplined.

2: MEN are sexually malnourished: When a man is starved; he is famished and when he is famished, he wants to eat. If his wife is too busy to have sex or has another excuse for tonight then the old saying of “when the desirable is not available, the available becomes desirable” becomes a thought. The truth is if a woman starves her man, his colleague, house-helps, hookers, scantily dressed girls on the street and flirting lonely women will look attractive to him. On most occasions, a sexually satisfied man remains faithful. Like I always say, it’s rare to have a Bentley in your garage and be interested in Tata Nano (the world’s cheapest car selling for $2,500 according to Forbes. It is not even available in the United States; they are barred from entry in their current conditions, because they don't meet U.S. safety and emissions standards.).

3: MEN are sexually bored: Men get bored easily and when they do, they search for something more satisfying. That’s the secret of civilization and invention. When men got tired of sleeping on the floor, they invented the bed. Have you ever wondered why men go to whores and strippers for pleasure? Here is an answer while you are still thinking of one: These women are trained to be versatile and bring men great pleasure. They may not be good at been wives and supporting men, but they are grand in pleasure making.

Are you a wife? One more thing to add to your quality as a wife is good sex. Ask him for his fantasies and satisfy them passionately. Explore new zones together and enjoy yourself while bringing him pleasure. Here are some tips: Make love outside the regular places (no law states that sex should be exclusively reserved for the bedroom). Seduce him in the car while in the park in the dark (like teenagers) and recline the seats to make love, walk into him the bathroom and “do” him, welcome him at the door naked, undress him in the kitchen and pleasure him. That’s what the “other woman” does to him enthusiastically and that’s why he keeps going there. Take the lead sometimes and dazzle him. One more advice, men know when you fake it. Be actively involved and you will enjoy it.

DON’T FORGET THIS:

1: A man’s libido can affect his brain and his brain can affect his libido: Google libido and brain if you have a minute. Take time to read the many researches about the connection between the brain and libido. It’s astonishing how they are both connected. Whichever comes first, either the brain affecting libido or libido affecting his brain, one thing is certain, the brain of a man is connected to his sex urge. Here is my point: if the brain functions as the primary receiver, organizer and distributor of information for the body, then sex can make a man perform wonderfully and can also make him perform woefully. If you are truly interested in his performance, this is important. Don’t you think?

2: A man’s libido can affect his ego: Nothing punctures a man’s ego than sexual rejection and worse if you ridicule his performance behind closed doors. His ability to perform veritably as a macho in bed, making his sexual partner feeling heavenly and hearing her express her satisfaction inflates his male ego remarkably. Well the absence or your reluctance to “go down” with him conveys a non-verbal message that he is weak bed and that’s why you are reluctant. A man is ready to try everything to avoid such an embarrassment. But after everything’s done and you are still unenthusiastic, you have unconsciously watered down his performance. I bet you don’t want to have a man with a depleted ego. A man without ego has lost a vital part of his being; he’s lost his drive, energy and the effrontery to forge ahead.

3. A man’s libido can affect how he treats you and the tranquility in the home: a couple approached a pastor about their incessant disagreements. Having gone through series of session with him without improvement, the pastor asked, “when last did you have sex?” they chorused in synchronization “about a year ago”. The pastor closed the session immediately and told them to make it happen tonight. They did and it changed everything. A week later they returned to the pastor with words of appreciation. In the man’s words, “pastor you are a miracle worker”. A sexually starved man does two things. He either cheats or has a thin skin and disagrees with you at every opportunity he’s got. This may explain why you are constantly in the mud with him.

4: A man’s libido can enhances creativity & productivity: A sexually satisfied man is mentally healthy and performs better professionally than a starved man. Don’t ask questions or disagree, just satisfy him and observe the difference.

5: A man’s libido can affect him spiritually: But for lust of the eyes and unfaithfulness many men would be great guys and spiritually sound. A satisfied man is a happy man. Wouldn’t you be interested in making that happen if that’s all you need to do?

PS:

Please note that this article is not a sexist one and I do not intend to communicate that sex answers all questions in your marriage. Also, it is far from the intention of this article to justify unfaithfulness or saddle women with the responsibility of initiating copulation. It is only intended to reveal one more thing a man brings into your relationship and offer one more suggestion for a woman to have a great union. Also, this particular article is intended for married couples as the author does not endorse premarital sex.

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP V - HIS EX.

You can tell a lot about a person by just listening to their experience with their ex. For men, it is truer. One basic determinant of the present or future tendencies of any human being in relationship can be understood by just studying his past relationships. How they handled people who were there before you says so much about how they are going handle you.

Some days ago I approached a realtor for house rental as I am trying to move into a new home. One basic information I was asked to provide was my last job, my last landlord and why I left my last home. It was no surprise for me because we can only expect a man to tell us how great they are but a study into their past will reveal their true personality. While it is okay to say that we should not judge people by their past, it will be inappropriate to ignore it.

Men can be catalogued and remain in that category for a lifetime because they are often constant. In other words, you can be able to anticipate a man’s behavioral pattern by studying his past relationships or what category he belongs. But women have the propensity to acclimatize to situation and the people they deal with. In other words, a woman is like a chameleon; she can adjust or reinvent herself (if she wants to) to the man she is with per time. But men are more constant, which means the probability that a man will be what he was 10 years ago is close to 1 if not 1.

An abusive man 10 years ago may still be abusive 10 years after. You can say the same of a caring man as also of an unfaithful man, a manipulative man, a stingy man, a lazy man etc. No matter what he tells you, how many flowers he brings to your door-step everyday, and how many songs he serenades you with. A man is constant until he is influenced by a stronger force which in this case could be God or a therapist. How do you know if he has truly changed? One determining factor is that he takes his share of blame in past relationships and apologizes for them. He speaks well about past relationships and not looks for every opportunity to condemn his ex.

I have made it a point of call for all my relationships before getting serious to ask questions about exes. It is easy to be blinded by promises and emotions. Many people have fallen into the traps of promises by building their hopes and expectations on lies and façade. Don’t make that mistake. Ask questions and don’t be tired of asking if in anyway your man is blocking initially.

PAST TIES

I live in the United States and it is getting more difficult to find single women or men without children. It is so unfortunate that many boys and girls churning out children as early as 15 years old. Woman and men in their late 20s without children are considered sick. It is pathetic. A lot of men will be paying child support for the rest of their lives because they have children by different women. And you should know about this before getting serious with any man. Aside child support, your man will constantly be in touch with his ex (or exes) for the child’s sake. It is no longer news that men usually have sexual encounter with their baby’s momma during such contacts. Don’t pretend it’s okay because he is a nice person. Ask questions and keep asking until you are satisfied.

It will be inappropriate to not mention a man’s experience with his ex. If it is a good one, you may live your life keeping up with the record of his ex. Believe me your man brings that to you too. If he talks about his ex all the time especially when you are “wrong”, remind him that you are a different person and do not appreciate being compared with her. I bet you don’t wanna go down that road if he still considers her better even after your explanation. You may not win this fight. Whether you live in America, Africa or Europe, exes are a strong forces to deal with because they were with your man before you and sometimes longer. And invariably know him better. For instance, I was with my ex for 5 years and without any disrespect, I can tell her man many things about her and vise versa. Knowledge makes exes a strong force to reckon with but if your man is over with his ex, he truly is. How do you know if he truly is over? He doesn’t compare you to her and is not spending time with her even under the guise of “we’re just friends”.

Finally, don’t judge people by their past but don’t make any form of future commitment if you have to constantly look over your shoulders. You know what I mean.

Please come back for part VI

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP IV - HIS PAST

A man’s past – his failures, relationships, disappointments and his successes can explain why a man behaves the way he does. It’s not a smart move to disregard this point. Men often do a very good job at coating their past especially when it concerns their failures because they have been taught to not show signs of weakness especially before a woman. It will take a lot of find-tuning to get some of them to connect with that part of them but you must.

Men will brag about their successes and how many mountains they’ve climbed but rarely mention their failures. To know a man, his success and his failures are important. One of the first things my fiancée and I did was to connect with this part of us. I agree with the cliché that life is lived forwards and not backwards. And many schools of thought will articulate that the past is history and couples need to concentrate on the future. Though I am a firm believer of this point of view, I also believe that if a woman is going to progress into the future with someone who didn’t just exist, she needs to acquaint herself with how he grew to be her man. It is juvenile to close the past because the sum total of your man began from the day he was born.

You may need to ask your man questions about his childhood. Psychologists through many researches have revealed that a man’s character is formed before he turns 6 years old. You will surely need to know that part of him to truly connect with who he has become through the years because he brings that portion of him to you too. As a matter of fact, it is important you familiarize yourself with his childhood because a man will sometimes replay or relive those days. If he was constantly chastised or rebuked while growing up, He will snap at you if you exhibit that trait at some point. When this happens, you need to know what to do. If he was ridiculed in school about how ugly his face, jean, shirt was, you better be careful if you are prone to do that because he will bite. Some kids are exposed to drug, alcohol, sex, gangsterism at a very tender age. Even with closure, some of these traits could stare at you in the face once in a while.

You will need to ask about his parents or those who raised him. You can not overlook the influence of these people in a man’s life. Some men are still angry at those who raised them or how they were raised. Some are angry at those who weren’t available for them. A large portion of our men make decisions to raise a family on the basis of how they have been raised -what they had and never had will influence how they will treat you. (This issue is so important that I dedicated a whole point later on a man’s mother).

Another question to ask is about his successes and failures and don’t disregard what he tells you. Needless to say, many of your man’s life’s decisions were made at these points. Human motives and passion are formed on days when life made them look very ordinary or on days when they experienced great breakthroughs. How they experienced these events should be considered too. When I went days without food, I made a big decision to help the poor and marry someone with that passion too. Also, I spent so many days on the floor looking for support for my dreams; scouting for someone to just give me a hand. No one came and those who did mistreated me. I have tried since then to dispense my expertise and experience (at nearly no cost) to fresh entrepreneurs in publishing. I have since then made many noble contributions to starters. The words of Jesus, “to whom much is given, much is expected”.

It is easier to question a man’s passion for the poor without knowing his motivation and why he does the things he does. I know men who would give up their last meal to the poor or give shelter to the homeless amidst glaring dangers. Many marriages have hit the rocks because women couldn’t understand why their husbands acted in certain manners. Isn’t it better to know what drives him to avert troubles? Also, many a man have nurtured immense guilt because of their mistakes and failures in the past. It is honorable to find these areas (if there are any) and make peace with them.

(Another question to ask is his exes or past relationships but because of how important this issue is, I have dedicated a whole point to discuss it.)

It is paramount to give you this advice and for emphasis, I am using capital letters. NEVER COMMIT WITH A MAN YOU HAVE NOT ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS PAST. NEVER!!!

Please come back for part V

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP III

A MAN AND HIS WEAKNESS

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference – the Serenity Prayer

When I mentioned in the last post that every man you meet is superior at something. I meant it. The scratchy side of that point is that he is also inferior at something. For Christian, one of the most frequently used verse is “I can do all things…” I agree wholly but that doesn’t mean we should be doing everything and wear ourselves out. A man who consumes himself with doing everything will master nothing. And expecting your man to do everything and be everything is pushing it too far.

I am terrible at some things; very terrible I mean. But God knows I am very good at many things too. Women need to know that their men are not omnipotent and omniscient. He comes to you with weaknesses and he comes with bundles of it. There are things that you will never find me thriving at and if there were a scale of one to ten, I will fall at 3 or less. I plan on going to a dance class just for my wedding. I am terrible at cooking (ok I think I am improving but don’t expect me to dazzle you in that department). I am atrocious with mathematics and everything around it. Also, if you want to plan everything and have it written in black and white, please don’t count on me. When I met my fiancée (who is proficient in planning having trained as an event planner), this was obviously frustrating to her. I see the frustration in her eyes and I know she wonders how I ever get things done (and I do) without planning. That’s a weakness I carry and although I am working on that, I cannot guarantee success all the time.

This is important to note. Men are good at what they are good at and awful at what they are bad at. It has something to do with our gender I guess. We bother ourselves with what we can do and leave the rest to women. Lol. But seriously, that is why some men won’t learn how to cook or fix a diaper because until now, they think it’s a woman’s job.

THERE IS A CHILD IN EVERY MAN

Men are like children sometimes. They can be needy, unkempt, wimp and unaware as a 2 year old. Every woman must make peace with this truth or will be consistently disappointed. For most women, what a man stands for is perfection, strength and authority. He can be all of these most of the time but I doubt if there is a man who exhibits all of this traits all of the time. Don’t disrespect them in those moments when they don’t act as the wonderful prince in shining armor you have fantasized about. Most times a decent, honest conversation works miracles than resolving to nagging or being his mother.

Cheers.

Please Come back for part IV.

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP 2: HIS STRENGTH:

Every man you meet is SUPERIOR at something. Some men are brilliant at planning and creating ideas. Some are gifted at executing plans and some are excellent at critiquing ideas. Some are gifted at listening, talking or watching. Others are great with kids, cooking, selling, buying, encouraging/helping, farming, painting, and so much more. Always remember that all gifts are distinct and every man, no matter how messed up and uncoordinated, is blessed with at least one special ability. Empower a man to function and thrive in the area of his strength and his contribution to the relationship will be inexhaustible. Needless to say, some men need their women to spot these strengths because history has proven that women have eyes that can see beyond the physical. On most occasions, the strength (active or docile) of a man is what attracts a woman in the first place. Remember that your man has strength and his contribution to the relationship depends immensely on this.

If you want your man to excel, never get tired of inflating his strength everyday. Wise woman encourage their men to be stronger at their strength, to explore new terrains of their strength and also provide the right energy to excel. A foolish woman expects her man to be somebody else she admires and invariably deflate his ability to excel in the area of his strength. To know a man, it is noble to identify his strength and encourage it. Such a man will remember your act of love forever. Identifying his strength does not mean the same as imposing a strength you admire. While women can perceive strength, they have the tendency to be controlled by self and competition. A woman could say, Mr. William is an engineer and makes a lot of money; you should be an engineer too. That’s a suggestion immersed in self and competition not in love. Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare’s award winning fiction, "Macbeth" is such a woman. She preyed on her man’s ego, greed and filled his heart with ambition which led to his waterloo. A woman should empower her man with encouragement, praise, ideas and not take advantage of his weakness to achieve her selfish desires.

It is paramount I say this: a man will love you better if you identify his strength and supply the necessary energy for him to thrive. This is called supporting your man. you always reap a dividend.

EXERCISE: Ask you man this question today. WHAT DO YOU LOVE DOING AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU BE HAPPY DOING IT?

Check back for part 3 on Monday.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP Part 1: HIS JOB

Have you ever wondered why men act in certain ways? Have you ever used the phrase “all men are the same?” Are you among millions of women who are exasperated in the journey to understanding their men? This article might help with the answers. Every woman wants to know the man she has chosen to date or marry. Women are relational beings and a lot in their dating and marriages depend on how much they know about their men. A man could care less about this but knowledge is at the core of the relationship for women. I have never met a woman who does not seek a better way to know her man. The problem is that a lot of women are looking at illusive angle.

Many women have been deceived into believing the concept that men think with “between their legs” or that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Unfortunately, more women are frustrated because this concept doesn’t work. It may apply to attracting some men but rarely keep them. Think for a second, if all you need to do is feed him with your body and food, then relationships and marriages should be the most peaceful places on earth. Unfortunately, with the recent divorce rate and the arrow of satisfaction pointing downwards in many marriages, sex and food alone do not make men happy in their relationships. Something else does. And this is what the following article attempt to offer. 

When next you decide to get serious with a man, look for the following points. The more you can manage this, the closer you are to enjoying the man. Please note that this article is not offering tips on controlling your man but enjoying the totality of the man you have chosen to be with.

HIS JOB

Right from genesis, men have been predictable by their jobs or what they spend their day doing. Hence show me a man’s job and I will tell you a little about how he relates with his woman. Men have always viewed relationships in term of their training or job. Trust, bonding and romance boil down to their choice of job. This should not be a surprise because men spend more time with their work (an average man spends 8-10 daily at his job, 6-8 hours sleeping and 4-6 hours with you). Sometimes they even carry the workload to the bedroom splitting your own time. The probability that your man will treat you as a client is close to 1. He does this by default and not deliberately. For instance, I am trained as a journalist, which means I ask questions for a living. Sometimes they may seem irrelevant but they mean a lot to me to establish trust and arrive at a better conclusion. I want to know what happened in detail and the facts offered have to correlate. When they don’t match, I ask more questions. It’s not the issue of the absence of trust. In fact, trust depends on truth, consistency and sincerity for journalists like me. Half truth, blocking or inconsistency means you are hiding something and this will destroy the relationship faster than you know. I advised that men remove their work suits at the door but it is very hard to achieve this 100% of the time. Attorneys and judges may show similar traits.

If you understood that your man’s job is part of his life and he deals with your relationship SOMETIMES as his job, you will not hesitate to look closely at this point and chart a course for your relationship. A builder may have a yearning for planning, an accountant wants accountability, a doctor is quick to treat you as a patient etc. I am advising that you find how your man deals with you using his job as one of pointers because that’s a huge part of his life and he takes this with him even to the grave.

Please come back for part 2. The series runs to part 10.

12 TRUTHS FRIENDS SHOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER

I have lived long enough to know that friendship is serious business. It’s not just the passing phase of our lives or whiling away time with a bunch of buddies because you are lonely or because you are desperate for attention. Naah! Friendship is serious than that - it’s sharing, daring and caring. Friendship is a warm touch strengthening us in difficult times – the assurance that someone cares for us really keeps us strong. It also means standing strong by the people you care about, believing them and completing them. It won’t be out of place if I said; friendship is the shoulder to cry on without feeling ashamed or afraid that you will be judged.

I have never canceled a friendship no matter how bad things went – no not one. How do people do that? From today you are no longer my friend? That’s lunacy. Nevertheless, there are people who ceased being my friends. I don’t blame them – it’s their choice. I have always considered people who I have shared my life with, no matter how brief, worthy of respect. That’s a choice I will NEVER regret.

True friendship never ends. The energy might lessen by distance and it can be hurt by friction but it never leaves the heart. Friendship that ends was selfish from the start.

I fear many things in life but only few equal a serene friendship. True friendship is never void of disagreements. If a serene friendship ever existed, the parties were never honest. Friends must be frank with each other and frankness brings friction. Men abhor frankness – it shows our flaws. Friendship that is frank and yet finds a way to understand is for real.

I can never give up on life or be bothered by loneliness as long as there is still that one person in my heart who reminds me of brighter days. This is God’s way of providing us strength when we seem to approach the end of the road. I have experience the value of friendship in hard times than in good times. Isn’t a friend in need a friend indeed?

I don’t expect my friends to be perfect. Just like me, they have their flaws and idiosyncrasies but I accept them completely like that. I’m ready to sacrifice a few inconveniences and disappointments because I love my friends. This kinda mind is an imitation of God’s love. God loves us when we are covered in crap because when the crap wears off, we become assets.

Our journey towards success accelerates tremendously if we have true friends in our lives. It’s no surprise that people who fail in life dine with fake friends. The birth of noble friendship is the best token to a man’s success.

All I ask from God is a selfless friend as Jesus. With him, I need nothing more to conquer the world. His worth is more than rubies and the energy he creates can cause a change overnight.

Time is not the reason why friends are true – I have friends who are as old as my age yet unstable as the same. The love and devotion friends are willing to share is what makes some friends true and others fake.

No kidding. True friends have made my cry but when I did, I found comfort in moments when our laughter rang into miles, when their hands helped me from sinking and the thought that they care was what kept me strong in difficult times. I will never trade that because of the few moments of pains.

I think friendship is derived from the word FREE. Here are my reasons.
1. A friend is not a parent or a babysitter. A friend gives me the freedom to make my choice and respect them because I am an adult. When you try to make decisions for your friend, you are assuming a parent’s role and you aint one.
2. With a friend, I am free to be myself and not be caught in any form of pretence. A friend should grant me the luxury of being myself without judging me else he should be ready to put up with my deception.
3. A friend should respect my space. There are three spaces in friendship. My space, your space and the space we share together. If you want your friendship to be worthwhile, you should respect your friend’s space until you are invited. There are secrets and issues that your friend is not ready to reveal – respect that. There are levels he is not ready to go with you yet – don’t force or seduce him. There are habits he’s fighting with – don’t give up on him. Friendship requires a lot of patience and common sence.

When friendship goes sour, I don’t badmouth my friends because they have contributed immensely to my life and it would be out of place to bite the hands that has fed me. Many of us mess up friendship when it ends forgetting the lovely memories we shared and the hands offered us in our times of need.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

JUST THE OTHER DAY IN A RESTAURANT

For my non-Nigerian readers, the first four paragraphs of this post are crammed with Pidgin English because of my decision to illustrate this story clearly. But don’t worry, you’ll understand anyway. If you still have difficulty with the language, please let me know and I will try to translate for you.


After a busy day, I was famished and walked into a restaurant to eat dinner; no thanks to my singleness. I was working on a project the day before, and forgot to eat dinner until it was too late -my stomach is not use to going two nights without a meal. On this very day, no one needed to remind me to stop by the restaurant on my way home from the forum at which I gave a talk. Unfortunately the restaurant I chose was full, and after squeezing myself into a seat, I had to wait a little longer for my order to be taken. My mind was busy reflecting on my day; what I had said and what I forgot to say in my talk, when suddenly an argument brought me back to consciousness.

“Give me my change na!” a guy who looked respectable, dressed in a designer white shirt yelled at a waitress. “I dey come.” She replied calmly as she asked her colleague to bring the change and then stopped by my table to take my order. The dude got impatient and shouted, “Hey! No waste my time. Wetin dey do this mumu girl sef?” This time, the waitress replied in a manner the guy wasn’t expecting that from her, “Oga I don send for the change abeg. Take am easy!” and immediately mumbled, “This oga too do sef,” as she turned to me and took my order.

Deep within me, I knew a scene was about to be created because the dude, though looking respectable, will not accept a response from a waitress in that manner. Forgive me for my unfairness in judgment. My opinion is based on his tone when he speaks to the waitress; the tone is chauvinistic - you know the type of man who thinks that women, especially waitresses should not talk to men that way. Another reason for my point of view is that his beautiful girlfriend sat beside him and from what I know about men; they tend to create a scene if they feel disrespected in the presence of their women. I feared for the waitress. .

It wasn’t a surprise when he stood up and said, “Na me you dey talk to like that abi? I no blame you, stupid girl! See her like monkey!” The waitress ignored him and continued her work. I believe her silence provoked him the more and he continued to denigrate her in many words. “See me see trouble o! All these Calabar girls no get respect sef. See this ugly thing o! You dey craze you hear!” The guy continued angrily.

I still couldn’t understand why the waitress held her tongue from replying even though it was obvious that she was fighting with tears. Obviously some uneducated Calabar girls are more matured in controlling angry outbursts than some fine civilized dudes. I know a lot of women who would have preferred losing their jobs to give the dude a piece of their hearts rather than put up with his disrespect.

I pitied her and uttered words of comfort to her and held her hands, but I am not the regular kind of person who is obsessed with correcting people publicly while defending another. Even if I mustered energy to say something I was too hungry and tired for a fight. I faced my business squarely, and that was to eat. If anyone should have to control the excesses of the dude that night, it was his girlfriend, but she wasn’t saying anything, why should I? I don’t understand how some girls sleep well at night after watching their men abuse innocent and helpless women publicly and do nothing to calm even calm the man. “Na dem sabi jare.” I soliloquized.

Meanwhile everyone in the restaurant, including me, pretended to be eating until the dude got his change, made for the door, and gave his deathblow. “Hey monkey, next time make you mind the way you dey talk to people like me you...” Before adding another adjective, the guy sitting next to my table was vexed and spoke up. “My guy shame no dey catch you? Leave this girl alone na.” As if everyone in the restaurant was waiting for a cue, they pounced on the rude man in a manner of a rapist caught by a victim’s relatives. I ate my food quietly. Hey! Don’t consider me cruel. Cruel is what I call the “defender of the universe” who at this point were pouncing on the dude with equally unfair remarks. As usual, I also used the opportunity to study human behavior and response when hauled over the coal. I wanted to know if people will change when they are openly challenged by a mob and I got my answer that night.

Did the jungle justice change this man? Negative. Before he left that place, he had upset more people and busted more bubbles. I had to snatch him away before they lynched him because he had made more people angry in the restaurant and the scene was degenerating into fisticuffs. Like every one of us when reprimanded, we tend to listen to the only person who seems to understand us, and I was that person for him that night. I wasn’t supportive of his act and indeed I condemned it. But I believe if a person should be rebuked, we should choose the style of Jesus when he said, “he who is without sin be the first to cast the stone” even though Jesus knew the woman to whom he spoke was in error.

I believe the dude that night should be rebuked, but with an angry man jungle justice rarely works. He may be forced to shut up, but will end up leaving with resentment and ready to do worse in the future. At the time of writing this article, he had called me twice and we’re getting along … and yes, he’s admitted to me his regrets when I tried to explain the danger of his act. Nice guy I must say – just had a bad side, which can be managed with kindness, not with a loud jungle rod of correction. I know the guy has a bad side and it is unfortunate, but who doesn’t? I am not a judge, but I know that by being nice to him he would definitely change.

Here is my point: Reprimanding a person in public, especially in the presence of their partner, would cause a violent response in the bid to protect their image. Does it stop there? No. He will offend more people and then the essence of correcting the person will not be achieved. Most people will not change or apologize when attacked like this. Would you? I don’t know much, but I know that no one likes to be rebuked like a baby – I don’t. On most occasions, we’re so wrapped up by our desires to correct and protect others that we equally become cruel to the angry person - like using violence to extinguish violence. It doesn’t work that way and that’s why most times we miss the opportunity to be the face of change; people become pigheaded when they can be changing.

Finally, although there are times when it is necessary to stop someone physically from hurting another person, more often than not it is helpful that we show love and understanding to those lost in anger, allowing them to discover their tenderness, everyone of us possesses that good quality. When someone loses his temper or does something objectionable, it's up to us to extend love to them, not a “holier than thou” attitude. Only then can we make adequate change to someone who is lost in anger or offensive behavior.
Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

PS: This note is an atual experience written about two years ago.