WILLFUL SURRENDER: 6 RESPECTFUL WAYS TO HELP YOUR MATE GIVE UP BAD HABITS

"It’s astonishing how we empower seemingly minor and inconsequential habits to trigger great havoc in our relationships. King Solomon in his wisdom calls it “the little foxes that spoil the vine”. It’s time to strap those miniature destructive foxes and be in control of our lives"

If being unorganized means leaving the bathroom floor wet after bath, eat on the bed while watching TV, throw my shirt carelessly (sometimes) in the wardrobe, making noise very early in the morning when my mate’s sleeping etc, then I am abundantly gifted in that section. And if relationship and marriage is all about attacking me about these habits every day, there will be tension all or most of the time. Bad habits like controlling attitude, nagging, chewing fingernails, chomping gum, coming late to appointments, blowing one’s nose at the dinner table, cursing, etc have led to the breakdown of many homes and it’s creating tension in many as I write. I have read and seen how disgusting behaviors have sapped the happiness in families and scare some men from going home until the wives are asleep. Are relationships about constantly fixing up your mate? If they were messed up, why did you choose to be with them? I agree that your mate has some irritating behaviors and they have to be confronted. I am interested in how you are gonna do this without causing a friction. The following points will help you achieve this.

DON’T BE SELFISH

In your haste to change or correct your mate, you have to first discover that you aint perfect yourself. You’ve got to tell yourself that perhaps your habits bother them too and maybe they are not attacking you because they are more matured about it. 2face Idibia puts it perfectly when he said “you no holy pass my brother”. Now you have to let this truth dawn on you prompting the mild, gentle and forgiving side of you to thrive. We can’t be reasonable when we are wrapped in self righteousness saying our mate is “shitty” and we are not.

Also, humans compartmentalize habits as good or bad because of our perception and it doesn’t necessarily mean they are. In other words, we see things as WE ARE and not as THEY ARE. It’s time to rest the weight of self righteousness and your age-long perception of things and embrace simple qualities like understanding, patience, politeness, forgiveness. If you want to change someone, you gotta change yourself first. Turn the table around with your mate sitting in your seat while you are in theirs. HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TREATED? Do you wanna be treated as a kid who gets spanked at the slightest mistake or you would prefer a little understanding and tenderness? I am not creating room for bad habits to thrive. I want to awaken a lover’s humaneness in you, which could have been trampled in your relationship by self righteousness, anger, frustration, and bitterness. When the above qualities are introduced, we can commence a journey to helping our partner surrender their irritating habits without causing a friction otherwise, the journey will be futile.

THE EFFECT OF A TENDER REQUEST

A gentle answer deflects anger But harsh words make temper flare Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

Sometimes it’s hard to hold down a temper when your partner repeats a habit. It is unhealthy and dangerous to pretend you are okay with it too. You will have to confront him/her but how you do it matters a lot. Until recently, I never knew that leaving the bathroom floor wet after bath was an annoying habit. I enjoy my bath a lot and care less about the floor. After all, it will be mopped or dry up soon. But here are the words that alerted me. “Baby, the bathroom floor is always wet when you use it. I dunno how you do it but I am scared to go in there after you use it because I could fall.” That’s it!!! I quickly apologized and purposed in my heart to do better in the future. Although I still wet it a little less, I am trying my best. Imagine if it were a cynical, commanding, disdainful and angry voice that alerted me the first time. Except I am in a good mood, it’s gonna flare my temper and set me on the defensive.

Sometimes your partner is oblivious of his/her bad habits. Your first reaction determines if they are gonna relinquish it with or without a fight. Rather than scream, yell and attack, sit your mate down in a place where there are no distractions and then, in a sincere and kind tone, let them know that their attitude puts you in harm’s way or annoys you. Often times, a gentle, nice, loving tone produces a favorable effect.

BE THERE:

Don’t ever underestimate the effect of solidarity in a tension. If for instance, your partner is in the habit of dressing provocatively triggering embarrassing comments at the mall, don’t run off or make statements like “I have told you”. Reserve the sermon for yourselves at home. One lesson I learned in the movie, FIREPROOF is to never leave your partner in the fire. This is the time to stand strong by her and tell those nosey individuals to mind their business. Actions like this reassure your mate and send the message that you love them regardless of their habits and are eager to protect them. When people get to this point in a relationship, change is near because it’s a place of trust; they can now listen to your suggestions and judgments of them. Running away or making demeaning statements in public places about your mate’s habits is an adolescent behavior because when you choose to love someone, you love them with their strength and flaws. You stay put until the flaw disappears and the strength hits the skies.

GIVE UP YOUR PESKY HABIT FIRST

You already know you are not the perfect image of a Hollywood mate right? With that in mind, ask your partner what habits turns them off about you (they can tell/write it in the order of worst to bad). Relinquish your pesky habit without asking him/her to do same. Promise them that you will make that sacrifice and be committed to it. When your mate sees your commitment to being a better person for them, they will be very willing to make sacrifices too. Sometimes the reason why people don’t change is because we try to remove the speck in their eyes and glorify the logs on ours. We have all forms of excuses for our habits but want them to give up theirs. Is that fair? Also, suggesting a trade-off (I give up a habit while you do same) is a very selfish way of telling someone to lose a couple of needless habits. It’s more honorable to make those sacrifices without expecting anything in return.

APPRECIATE EFFORTS NOT SUCCESSES

When a person is trying to give up a pesky habit, it is a mate’s responsibility to encourage him/her and not ridicule when they struggle sometimes. The truth is that habits are part of us and breaking away is not often easy. When your partner relapses, restrain yourself from any form of attack or ridicule. Acknowledge the fact that you notice their effort and stay positive that they can make it. We thrive better on appreciation than on criticism. “Baby I appreciate the fact that you’re putting so much effort into overcoming smoking” doesn’t cost you and the relationship anything at all. But words like “liar! I knew you can never give up smoking. You were only pretending.” will sap the remaining energy in your mate to go on. Don’t wait until the habits are completely gone before you appreciate, acknowledging the little efforts they put in daily will add up to their success.

BE FRANK – TELL IT AS IT IS

Every personal, intimate relationship thrives on open, frank communication. It doesn’t matter if your partner is uncomfortable with it; you gotta to say how you feel because it is unhealthy not to. Relationships that do not have these moments are built on lies. The reason why most open communications have adverse effects is because it sounds in the ears of their partner as spiteful threats or lectures. Sometimes it sends a signal that your mate has been 100% annoying or they have never done anything honorable. This is so because of our choice of words. Open communication is about how the actions of your partner make you feel and not about what they should do ACT. That’s their decision. Also, applaud your partner in areas they do well while you are busy downloading your hurt. It will be well accepted. Please don’t give in to the temptation of lecturing and fixing up your partner in such moments or even threatening and giving ultimatums. When you do that, you may get a negative outcome to open conversations.

I suggest that couples should have planned moments of frank/honest talk intermittently to assess their actions and growth over a period of time. You can call it OUR PARLIAMENT; a place/time that every voice is important and every point valid. When such moments are well done and fruitful, couples will long for the moments. Speaking is important. I know this too well.

Again these words are worthy of repeating. "It’s astonishing how we empower seemingly minor and inconsequential issues to trigger great havoc in our relationships. King Solomon in his wisdom calls it “the little foxes that spoil the vine”. It’s time to strap those miniature destructive foxes and be in control of our lives"

Purest Love,

10+ IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO ANSWER ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

Have you ever felt handicapped because of the pang of sickness? Imagine that you have so much to do but you just cannot lift a finger towards achieving your goal. If you are like me, the pain, restlessness and frustration that comes with a sick body is worse than anything one can explain in writing. Sickness visits because we did or didn’t do something to our body. Contrary to popular beliefs, sicknesses do not just happen, we invite them. And although our body resistance varies from person to person, every medically incorrect action against our body has a repercussion no matter what our beliefs are. So if you want your body to behave, the questions I have asked in this piece when they are answered might be helpful in creating a strong healthy body and mind, rich enough to raise a wall against every form of stubborn infection ready to attack you. No matter your vocation, a healthy body is paramount to achieving your goals. Here are 10 questions I am asking you.

WHAT’S YOUR SLEEPING HABIT?

Our body is created with limits physically and that’s why God created night and day for us to have seasons of work and rest. Even the almighty had a whole day of rest at creation and because rest is so important to our wellbeing; He made it a commandment in the Old Testament. Shun that excuse about having too much on your table and hit the bed right now. Your body needs sleep to function aright and not collapse. Your body is not a machine and even machines break down when they don’t get adequate rest. Research has discovered that not getting enough sleep is responsible to a list of mental and physical health problems, including suppression of the immune system. In other words those who sleep less are more prone to visit the doctor for various kind of ailment. If you’re finding yourself getting sick or not in control of your body anymore, it’s time to ask yourself, “DO I SLEEP WELL?

DO YOUR WASH YOUR HANDS?

I watched yesterday on TV that when you see a sign that advises you to wash your hand, don’t ask questions; just DO it. I completely agree with it. Colds and flu are always on transit and the probability of picking up some live viruses on your hands at some point in the day, especially if cold and flu viruses are circulating is 1. This is one fact not yet clear to Africans and sometimes they laugh at people who are so cautious. Little wonder we have all forms of viruses known to man in circulation. I don’t see why you should be stubborn and sarcastic about it. If you value yourself, just do it because as we know, prevention is better than cure. It takes about 15 seconds to avoid so many days of restlessness and possible expenses in the clinic because of your hardheadedness. It’s hard but I have learned to because it pays.

HOW MUCH WATER DO YOU TAKE?

Do you know that your body is over 60% water? Yes it is. Water transports nutrients to cells and flushes out toxins. It also means that toxins will remain and cause damages to our system when we don’t have adequate water in us. We are often advised by friends and loved ones (I hear it a lot from my fiancée) to take plenty of fluids when we are sick but why wait until we are actually sick before we get hydrated? Do yourself a favor and flush all the toxins that find their way into your system by getting hydrated at every time of the day.

DO YOU EXERCISE?

I first learned this secret in my university days. One of my friends had symptom of malaria and before he was crushed by it, headed for the gym and spent a while exercising. Amazingly, he got better. Funny enough his actions back then were not influenced in any way by any scientific research. It was his personal discovery. Years after, tons of research has discovered that frequent and regular exercise, at least aerobic exercise, helps boost the immune system and reduce the risk of infection. Exercise helps reduce inflammatory molecules that are known to impair the immune system. Exercise is not only for those who want to have good bodies and feel great. It is also a necessity for those who want to avoid sickness. Now go ahead and ask yourself this question.

DO YOU SHARE EVERYTHING?

I see this all the time. Alcoholics and friends sharing a drink from the same bottle while smokers share a stick of cigarette or marijuana. I have also seen friends who share clothes and even underwear and claim its fun. Fun? Yeah right! Are you one of those and isn’t that risky to your health? I am not advising a selfish movement but the risk of sharing food, drinks, cigarettes, toothbrushes, or other oral items is a sure way to spread diseases. Instead of drinking a coke from the same bottle, buy your friend one. You can be liberal without sharing things that affect your health. So it’s okay if you’re a little selfish sometimes. Your immune system and your finances will thank you.

DO YOU DO DRUG, BOOZE, GRASS, CIGS, COFFEE?

You must have heard and read this more than a thousand times and I am not gonna make too much fuss about it anymore. Drug, booze, grass, cigs, coffee weakens your immune system. What is the immune system? Immune system is responsible for protecting you against infections that daily attack your system. So when next you wanna groove and feel high, remember that it might in turn cost you more than a just a drag or a sip at the hospital and but can make you handicap for the rest of your life

DO YOU EAT COLORFUL FRUITS & VEGETABLES?

Even as you read this article, your immune system, which is responsible for fighting off infections, is quietly in battle to shield your body from attacks. It does this every minute of the day. This means that you have to empower it to be ready for the daily challenges. It is paramount because when your immune system fails, nothing can stop you from receiving deathly blows from diseases. You need a healthy diet of vitamins and minerals to empower and ensure that you’re adequately protected. When it comes to fruits and vegetables, darker and more colorful is better because they are loaded with the most nutrients.

CHECK THOSE AROUND YOU, ARE THEY SICK?

Please don’t argue this. If you are always in the companion of sick people you will eventually fall sick (if you don’t protect yourself). It’s as simple as ABC. Almost all strains of cold and flu viruses spread from direct human contact, so by avoiding those who are sick or taking adequate measure while with them will go a long way in keeping you healthy. If you’re deafened by the sound of sniffling coworkers, stick to your own desk and sanitize your hands often. It is pertinent that you know this because sometimes all we need to be struck down by sicknesses is just breathing in airborne droplets of someone who sneezed or hugging and kissing a sick person. No this piece is not advising a selfish and unloving disposition. The truth is, if you are into welfare, one way to keep on caring for others is when you are healthy. Love does not mean you shouldn’t care for yourself too. For the sake of love, you should do this.

BEWARE! DO YOU TOUCH YOUR FACE OFTEN?

The primary entry point of most germs into your body is via the face. It sounds like a joke but it’s very true. Your eyes, nose, ears, mouth etc are the major visible port our bodies have except our genitals but that is when we talk about sexually transmitted diseases. I mentioned earlier that we can get sick by breathing in airborne droplets of someone who sneezed. This is so true. Cold and flu viruses can also invade through these unbelievable entryways. Always make certain that all ports are secure or that you don’t unconsciously infect it with viruses by picking your nose, licking or biting your fingers and rubbing your eyes.

WHAT IS YOUR SEX HABIT?

Another port every human has is the genital. This is also primary and in recent times a big entry point of life-ending diseases. Unfortunately, abstinence is old fashion in our world today and those with sexual integrity are questioned and considered sick. And so we have more damaging diseases and mourn the departure of many promising lives because men and women have not learned to control their basic instinct and also protect this port. Keep your body safe from sexual diseases by ensuring that you also protect this entryway to your body. One moment of uncontrolled passion can equally open the door to early grave. A word is enough for the wise.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVINE HEALTH?

After all is done, pray to God to help you stay healthy. This is a mystery and many people won’t understand and will even argue that God doesn’t play any role in our health. Research has proven that those who believe in divine health and exercise their faith in God fall sick less often than people who don’t. It is God’s desire that we live in health but we need to believe in Him to enjoy this blessing. All that is required is faith that God can and will keep you strong and healthy with you come to him with a broken and an open heart. If you are sick right now, he can make you whole again. Just ask him in faith.

Finally, there are many other things you can do to avoid falling sick. Some of these might be different from continent to continent and also from person to person. Discover what makes you sick and avoid them. For instance I discovered that certain foods make me sick. I will be a fool if I continued eating it. I hope to add more to this list in the coming days.

God bless you.