10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART X: GOOD

I asked women on one of my Social Network pages what they would call men when they are angry. Check the list and let me know if you have heard them or even used those words before.

~ Jerk

~ Retard

~ SOB

~ Cross to Carry

~ Piece of sh$t

~ An abortion gone bad

~ A$$hole

~ Chauvinistic bastards

~ Dog

~ Cheater

~ worthless

~ D$ckhead

~ The stone in my shoe

~ Thorn in my side

~ JACKA$S

~ Douchebag

~ Loser

~ Dictator

~ Sh$t-head

~ Butt-head

~ Coward

I understand some men could make you so angry that they seem to fit one or all the adjectives above.  As a matter of fact, fewer women are calling their men endearing names these days. And no, I am not writing this article to increase the number or support your claims. Yes, I will not be defending men either even though I am one?

THERE IS GOOD IN HIM!!!

You are probably rolling your eyes and wondering if I have gone out of my mind. Please don't argue, just read on. I don't blame you considering how he's “abused” you in many way and for many days. Yeah you have lost hope of experiencing any iota of affection from him. Maybe you have decided to file for divorce or end the “damn” thing between you. I will not use the cliché “hold on” because many people must have used those words in comforting you and now it sounds suicidal. I will simply suggest another less traveled path.

Take a minute and picture when you first met. Remember the endearing names you called him? He was the sweetest man alive and you will stay up late nights talking with him. When your phone rings, you often wished it's him calling. He was cool, nice and treats you like a queen. You even thanked God for blessing you with such a gentleman and you never overlook the opportunity show him off to your friends. In those days, you could write a hundred poems about your man in few minutes. HE WAS NO DOUBT THE BEST AT THE TIME. The question is what has gone wrong? 

TRACING BACK TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

...Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And repent, and do the first works…

Revelation 2:1-5

Frankly, someone has changed, which has in turn has affected the beautiful relationship you had going. That someone may be YOU. Yes you. I am not referring to any specific gender but YOU reading this article. It's okay to point fingers qt your partner as the reason why everything’s gone bad but it is noble to start by taking responsibility of your share of blame. Is that hard? Taking responsibility doesn't mean it's entirely your fault or that you are wrong. It just means you are bold enough to accept that you are a party in the events that contributed to the consistent breakdown of your relationship. It's about time to stop fighting, hold yourself accountable and start asking honest, selfless questions that will lead to the return of peace in your relationship. Questions like:

~ When did my partner start acting weird and why?

~ What was I doing when the going was good and if I had done more, would things have been different?

~ What does my partner REALLY need from me and are they getting it?

~ What are we always fighting about and why?

~ How selfish have I been to my partner? (It’s easier to pat yourself on the back for been the perfect partner but I bet YOU ARE NOT!)

~ What is my partner always complaining about and how can I swallow my pride to provide it?

~ What do I have to GIVE up to KEEP this relationship and am I willing to?

~ What are my expectations and are they too soon, impractical and selfish?

~ Am I meeting my partner's expectations or am I arguing about my right to hold them back?

The truth is that the most catastrophic inferno in history began with a tiny fire. And for you, finding the cause of the disaster in your relationship is the first step towards restoration. Asking honest questions like those above and objectively answering them push your whole being into an action mode. It opens your eyes to the plight of your partner and how badly you have treated them. For a moment your selfishness and pride will become obvious to you and all the cry about been maltreated will roll away.

REPENT BABY:

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And REPENT, and do the first works… Revelation 2:1-5

It’s hard to point the accusing fingers at yourself especially if you are used to pointing fingers at others for your misfortune and for some, it's entirely an impossible step. But I am advising that you find that part of you and nail yourself real hard for being part of the problem. If you can find yourself successful at sharing the blame with your partner for a bad job in the relationship, you are closer to salvation. If you can find your share of failures in the relationship, it means you have been wrong in a way and your partner was right in a way. Don't hesitate to go your partner and apologize. Don't argue that your partner had been bad or assume they will take you for granted. JUST APOLOGIZE!!! It will need a lot of humility and it may not be acknowledged immediately but one thing is sure, you are not a fool for seeing your own wrong and saying I am sorry. In the long run, you will benefit immensely from such action.

“I am sorry” is the greatest relational healing prescription there is: These words are more effective if you don't attach a sermon to it. Nevertheless, if you are tempted to add something, please use endearing words like “you mean so much to me than been right or wrong.”

GIVE AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO YOU…

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,

And repent, AND DO THE FIRST WORKS… Revelation 2:1-5

What do you want from your partner? Find a piece of paper and list them in order of preference with what you want most at the top of the sheet. Decide today to give what you desire of your partner and don't hold back anything. If you want to be treated nicely, BE NICE. If you want understanding, UNDERSTAND. If you want to be happy, MAKE YOUR PARTNER HAPPY. Make that decision. Although it might not flow back to you immediately, it will come back to you eventually in good measure, pressed down, shaking together and running over. Great blessings come to those who give and give without expecting any immediate compensation. Those people have piled up so many blessings in the supernatural that when they start pouring down, there is no ending. Few months from now I bet you will look back and ask, how did I manage to get the best spouse in the world?

Finally, it's time to start doing what you did in the good old days. Your love is not dead; it's your feeling that has been hurt. Even if it were dead, dry bones can live again. Pray for your partner; prophesy peace on your relationship and watch God move in miraculous ways.

HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE!!!

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PART IX: HIS TEMPERAMENT

Temperament as we have read in many books is why a person acts the way he does. To narrow down the definitions to this series, Temperament is why and how your man acts in certain ways. This is based on certain influences; some genetic, some cultivated by childhood conditioning and others, by habits groomed over a long period of time.

Recently I was watching a movie with my wife when suddenly a character got me laughing uncontrollably. I didn’t know when in my excitement I slapped her arm (not very hard and yet not very gentle). It would have gone unnoticed by me if she had not screeched. Instantly I knew what had happened. You see, I do that with my siblings a lot while growing up. We really enjoy our movie time. When a part is funny, we will pause the movie and laugh. Sometimes a person gets ecstatic and slaps the next person (light). It’s like saying did you just see or hear that? Depending on topics, sometimes we pause for a while and talk about it or argue and then continue. Those were learning periods in our lives as a family to hear others out on certain topics or unleash our anger or admiration for a certain character in a movie. Unfortunately, that's strange to my wife. But it’s been a part of me eon and eon now.

Your man has many characteristics already engraved into his personality. Quite honestly, some of them are not as irritating as we claim. I am not creating awful arguments for infuriating habits to thrive. Just look closely sweetheart, some of the things he does are not really bad; they are just different. Different sometimes is quickly regarded as bad but is it really?

There is a possibility that what your man does or how and why he does it is beyond his control. And I believe many people have tried to change him and have failed. I have no problems with change; in fact I am a strong advocate of adjustment in a relationship to better bond with your partner especially if it’s symbiotic. I usually have problems with how we demand change from men. We often want it too fast, too soon or too badly like your man is completely horrible because of that temperament. We stop seeing his good side and keep pummeling him until we see change (And that's why we often don’t). Change comes with love and trust and not by how often or how hard with make our point.

Today I want you to recognize the temperament or characteristic in your man that has been irritating and try the following advice.

Is he happy?

We are naturally selfish. We want what makes us happy and ignore our partner’s needs. I am not saying that we shouldn’t desire change in our partners and be unhappy ourselves. The truth is that people change when they are happy and feel secure that you don’t judge them regardless their habits. Happiness is important in a relationship. When you make someone happy, you get more yourself.

Adjust, join the groove or change your approach.

Enjoy the moment. Instead of picking a fight every time he irritates you, enjoy it with him if he’s enjoying it himself. If it’s something you can fix without complaining, please do it. You should know by now that complaining and nagging doesn’t work with men – always makes things worse. My wife calls me Mr. CrumbsMaker and that’s because I make crumbs. (Now that’s a secret between us. Don’t tell her I told you and don’t call me that. Lol. Yeah she will read this anyway). Few days ago she walked into my home-office space and said “babe, the crumbs you made in the kitchen attracted ants. Just wanted you to know.” I quickly apologized and when she left, I was troubled and I am more careful now when I eat or snack. That is more effective approach than nagging.

Do you have temperaments?

I don’t think you are lying to yourself that you are all spotless and everything you do is perfect because that would be the deception that brings desolation. Treat your man like you are not perfect yourself and obey the great rule: Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. If you want understanding, give understanding when it’s required from you.

Applaud/reward good temperament.

Compliment good temperament and compliment good habits. Your man should know that regardless the bad; you see more good in him. Don’t magnify bad and be silent on good.

You should know this

Some temperaments/habits will never go away, some will go with time and others can be fixed right away. It is important to know the devil you are fighting. Don’t make unrealistic demand. Be wise with the change you desire.

Finally

It is paramount to state that there are temperaments/habits that should go away with their proprietor instantly before they have a chance to destroy you. Stop trying to fix abuse, drugs, unfaithfulness etc in your man. Some people need treatment and you are not a doctor. Even if you were, you are in a compromised position to offer any form of medication. So let them go.

May God bless your relationship.