10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP IV - HIS PAST

A man’s past – his failures, relationships, disappointments and his successes can explain why a man behaves the way he does. It’s not a smart move to disregard this point. Men often do a very good job at coating their past especially when it concerns their failures because they have been taught to not show signs of weakness especially before a woman. It will take a lot of find-tuning to get some of them to connect with that part of them but you must.

Men will brag about their successes and how many mountains they’ve climbed but rarely mention their failures. To know a man, his success and his failures are important. One of the first things my fiancée and I did was to connect with this part of us. I agree with the cliché that life is lived forwards and not backwards. And many schools of thought will articulate that the past is history and couples need to concentrate on the future. Though I am a firm believer of this point of view, I also believe that if a woman is going to progress into the future with someone who didn’t just exist, she needs to acquaint herself with how he grew to be her man. It is juvenile to close the past because the sum total of your man began from the day he was born.

You may need to ask your man questions about his childhood. Psychologists through many researches have revealed that a man’s character is formed before he turns 6 years old. You will surely need to know that part of him to truly connect with who he has become through the years because he brings that portion of him to you too. As a matter of fact, it is important you familiarize yourself with his childhood because a man will sometimes replay or relive those days. If he was constantly chastised or rebuked while growing up, He will snap at you if you exhibit that trait at some point. When this happens, you need to know what to do. If he was ridiculed in school about how ugly his face, jean, shirt was, you better be careful if you are prone to do that because he will bite. Some kids are exposed to drug, alcohol, sex, gangsterism at a very tender age. Even with closure, some of these traits could stare at you in the face once in a while.

You will need to ask about his parents or those who raised him. You can not overlook the influence of these people in a man’s life. Some men are still angry at those who raised them or how they were raised. Some are angry at those who weren’t available for them. A large portion of our men make decisions to raise a family on the basis of how they have been raised -what they had and never had will influence how they will treat you. (This issue is so important that I dedicated a whole point later on a man’s mother).

Another question to ask is about his successes and failures and don’t disregard what he tells you. Needless to say, many of your man’s life’s decisions were made at these points. Human motives and passion are formed on days when life made them look very ordinary or on days when they experienced great breakthroughs. How they experienced these events should be considered too. When I went days without food, I made a big decision to help the poor and marry someone with that passion too. Also, I spent so many days on the floor looking for support for my dreams; scouting for someone to just give me a hand. No one came and those who did mistreated me. I have tried since then to dispense my expertise and experience (at nearly no cost) to fresh entrepreneurs in publishing. I have since then made many noble contributions to starters. The words of Jesus, “to whom much is given, much is expected”.

It is easier to question a man’s passion for the poor without knowing his motivation and why he does the things he does. I know men who would give up their last meal to the poor or give shelter to the homeless amidst glaring dangers. Many marriages have hit the rocks because women couldn’t understand why their husbands acted in certain manners. Isn’t it better to know what drives him to avert troubles? Also, many a man have nurtured immense guilt because of their mistakes and failures in the past. It is honorable to find these areas (if there are any) and make peace with them.

(Another question to ask is his exes or past relationships but because of how important this issue is, I have dedicated a whole point to discuss it.)

It is paramount to give you this advice and for emphasis, I am using capital letters. NEVER COMMIT WITH A MAN YOU HAVE NOT ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS PAST. NEVER!!!

Please come back for part V

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP III

A MAN AND HIS WEAKNESS

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference – the Serenity Prayer

When I mentioned in the last post that every man you meet is superior at something. I meant it. The scratchy side of that point is that he is also inferior at something. For Christian, one of the most frequently used verse is “I can do all things…” I agree wholly but that doesn’t mean we should be doing everything and wear ourselves out. A man who consumes himself with doing everything will master nothing. And expecting your man to do everything and be everything is pushing it too far.

I am terrible at some things; very terrible I mean. But God knows I am very good at many things too. Women need to know that their men are not omnipotent and omniscient. He comes to you with weaknesses and he comes with bundles of it. There are things that you will never find me thriving at and if there were a scale of one to ten, I will fall at 3 or less. I plan on going to a dance class just for my wedding. I am terrible at cooking (ok I think I am improving but don’t expect me to dazzle you in that department). I am atrocious with mathematics and everything around it. Also, if you want to plan everything and have it written in black and white, please don’t count on me. When I met my fiancée (who is proficient in planning having trained as an event planner), this was obviously frustrating to her. I see the frustration in her eyes and I know she wonders how I ever get things done (and I do) without planning. That’s a weakness I carry and although I am working on that, I cannot guarantee success all the time.

This is important to note. Men are good at what they are good at and awful at what they are bad at. It has something to do with our gender I guess. We bother ourselves with what we can do and leave the rest to women. Lol. But seriously, that is why some men won’t learn how to cook or fix a diaper because until now, they think it’s a woman’s job.

THERE IS A CHILD IN EVERY MAN

Men are like children sometimes. They can be needy, unkempt, wimp and unaware as a 2 year old. Every woman must make peace with this truth or will be consistently disappointed. For most women, what a man stands for is perfection, strength and authority. He can be all of these most of the time but I doubt if there is a man who exhibits all of this traits all of the time. Don’t disrespect them in those moments when they don’t act as the wonderful prince in shining armor you have fantasized about. Most times a decent, honest conversation works miracles than resolving to nagging or being his mother.

Cheers.

Please Come back for part IV.

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP 2: HIS STRENGTH:

Every man you meet is SUPERIOR at something. Some men are brilliant at planning and creating ideas. Some are gifted at executing plans and some are excellent at critiquing ideas. Some are gifted at listening, talking or watching. Others are great with kids, cooking, selling, buying, encouraging/helping, farming, painting, and so much more. Always remember that all gifts are distinct and every man, no matter how messed up and uncoordinated, is blessed with at least one special ability. Empower a man to function and thrive in the area of his strength and his contribution to the relationship will be inexhaustible. Needless to say, some men need their women to spot these strengths because history has proven that women have eyes that can see beyond the physical. On most occasions, the strength (active or docile) of a man is what attracts a woman in the first place. Remember that your man has strength and his contribution to the relationship depends immensely on this.

If you want your man to excel, never get tired of inflating his strength everyday. Wise woman encourage their men to be stronger at their strength, to explore new terrains of their strength and also provide the right energy to excel. A foolish woman expects her man to be somebody else she admires and invariably deflate his ability to excel in the area of his strength. To know a man, it is noble to identify his strength and encourage it. Such a man will remember your act of love forever. Identifying his strength does not mean the same as imposing a strength you admire. While women can perceive strength, they have the tendency to be controlled by self and competition. A woman could say, Mr. William is an engineer and makes a lot of money; you should be an engineer too. That’s a suggestion immersed in self and competition not in love. Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare’s award winning fiction, "Macbeth" is such a woman. She preyed on her man’s ego, greed and filled his heart with ambition which led to his waterloo. A woman should empower her man with encouragement, praise, ideas and not take advantage of his weakness to achieve her selfish desires.

It is paramount I say this: a man will love you better if you identify his strength and supply the necessary energy for him to thrive. This is called supporting your man. you always reap a dividend.

EXERCISE: Ask you man this question today. WHAT DO YOU LOVE DOING AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU BE HAPPY DOING IT?

Check back for part 3 on Monday.

Purest Love,

Collins Agboju

10 THINGS YOUR MAN BRINGS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP Part 1: HIS JOB

Have you ever wondered why men act in certain ways? Have you ever used the phrase “all men are the same?” Are you among millions of women who are exasperated in the journey to understanding their men? This article might help with the answers. Every woman wants to know the man she has chosen to date or marry. Women are relational beings and a lot in their dating and marriages depend on how much they know about their men. A man could care less about this but knowledge is at the core of the relationship for women. I have never met a woman who does not seek a better way to know her man. The problem is that a lot of women are looking at illusive angle.

Many women have been deceived into believing the concept that men think with “between their legs” or that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Unfortunately, more women are frustrated because this concept doesn’t work. It may apply to attracting some men but rarely keep them. Think for a second, if all you need to do is feed him with your body and food, then relationships and marriages should be the most peaceful places on earth. Unfortunately, with the recent divorce rate and the arrow of satisfaction pointing downwards in many marriages, sex and food alone do not make men happy in their relationships. Something else does. And this is what the following article attempt to offer. 

When next you decide to get serious with a man, look for the following points. The more you can manage this, the closer you are to enjoying the man. Please note that this article is not offering tips on controlling your man but enjoying the totality of the man you have chosen to be with.

HIS JOB

Right from genesis, men have been predictable by their jobs or what they spend their day doing. Hence show me a man’s job and I will tell you a little about how he relates with his woman. Men have always viewed relationships in term of their training or job. Trust, bonding and romance boil down to their choice of job. This should not be a surprise because men spend more time with their work (an average man spends 8-10 daily at his job, 6-8 hours sleeping and 4-6 hours with you). Sometimes they even carry the workload to the bedroom splitting your own time. The probability that your man will treat you as a client is close to 1. He does this by default and not deliberately. For instance, I am trained as a journalist, which means I ask questions for a living. Sometimes they may seem irrelevant but they mean a lot to me to establish trust and arrive at a better conclusion. I want to know what happened in detail and the facts offered have to correlate. When they don’t match, I ask more questions. It’s not the issue of the absence of trust. In fact, trust depends on truth, consistency and sincerity for journalists like me. Half truth, blocking or inconsistency means you are hiding something and this will destroy the relationship faster than you know. I advised that men remove their work suits at the door but it is very hard to achieve this 100% of the time. Attorneys and judges may show similar traits.

If you understood that your man’s job is part of his life and he deals with your relationship SOMETIMES as his job, you will not hesitate to look closely at this point and chart a course for your relationship. A builder may have a yearning for planning, an accountant wants accountability, a doctor is quick to treat you as a patient etc. I am advising that you find how your man deals with you using his job as one of pointers because that’s a huge part of his life and he takes this with him even to the grave.

Please come back for part 2. The series runs to part 10.